


Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

by Merchant



Series: Raven Revisited [7]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Blue Lily Lily Blue Spoilers, Christian guilt, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Gen, I could put so many tags here, M/M, Major Spoilers, This is NOT a romance writing, You'll see what I mean, pynch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4338902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merchant/pseuds/Merchant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam and Ronan could make the impossible possible, but they couldn't tell each other one simple thing: <i>I need you</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

**Author's Note:**

> The title is the Latin proverb "What nourishes me, also destroys me", which I feel fits this writing. I will admit, this writing was _very_ difficult for me to write out. I had to pull out some very dark parts of myself for the later parts of this writing, and I had to stop writing it at one point, just to collect myself and get into the right state of mind to finish it. Anyways, this is my seventh writing, and now we're into Blue Lily, Lily Blue canon. I didn't have many notes for this writing, and yet it became this very long thing. This was also a bit difficult to write, because I wanted to make this a Pynch writing, but since I'm writing these within the canon realm, I didn't want to venture out of the canon. Therefore, I wrote what I felt would be safe for a canon writing. Hope you enjoy reading!
> 
>  
> 
> **The Raven Cycle, and it's characters, are the sole property of Maggie Stiefvater. I am the sole owner of this writing.**

_Maybe I dreamt you._  
  
Ronan’s mind considered the possibility, that he could dream someone as perfect as Adam Parrish. He had dreamt of impossible things before, had brought the impossible to life, so what was one more impossible thing? Adam _was_ truly impossible; he was a constant reminder of what Ronan _really_ wanted, what he _really_ desired amongst all else. Ronan Lynch wanted _security_ ; he wanted to embrace someone, like how his mother embraced him when he was a child. He wanted to feel that contact again, the gentle reminder that he was _worthy_ of being loved, that he was worth _living_. Little did he realize that Adam felt something similar.  
  
Though, Adam’s focus followed a different path. Ronan knew this; he had watched this scenario play out in his head numerous times, and each time, it was painful. Even as they sat there in Cabeswater, daydreaming of summer, of peaceful times, with blue lilies floating around them, Ronan felt the pain of jealousy. Blue, a name that became sour on his tongue, the color that brought him back to reality as he stared at the girl, the one who had Adam’s attention, the one who stared back at him. Blue and Ronan had turned these staring sessions into a game, one that no one ever won. What was it, that Adam saw in her, what drew him away from Ronan’s attention?  
  
Blue, it was the color of Ronan’s eyes, an irony that spat insults while Ronan dreamed of a different life, and an irony that Ronan thought of as a sick joke. _See, blue is also a part of me. I’m the wrong kind of blue; I’m not the shade of blue that Adam wants to look at._ Then it came time to explore that cave, the newest discovery that Cabeswater had offered them, and the real reason why they were here. It was a distraction, a welcome distraction that tore away thoughts of _wanting,_ and turned them into thoughts of curiosity. What would they find in that cave? Would they finally find Glendower?  
  
_Greywaren semper est incorruptus._ Yeah, right, sure Ronan was _safe_. Adam humored at the thought that the word _safe_ would be a word applied to Ronan Lynch. Ronan seemed to agree, though his guilt was the one making him believe he was everything but that word. The word came back into play, the moment Gansey had fallen into that hole. Now Ronan and Adam’s minds linked as one, the urge to save Gansey shared between them. _There are no hornets down there. Gansey is not dying today. There are no hornets in that hole._  

Adam and Ronan were both equally panicked now, and they both pleaded with Cabeswater. “You promised to keep me safe.” “What do you think I’ll see if he dies?” “If you let him die, that is _not keeping me safe._ ” There was that word again, _safe_. A word Ronan wanted to cling to, and a word Adam was sure he would never use again. _If you have to take one of us, let it be me. Take my life, and spare Gansey._ Ronan and Adam mimicked this thought, because of a vision, because of loneliness, because of fear of losing a dear friend. Cabeswater had listened, though to which one of them was the real question. In unspoken words, Ronan knew that it was probably his plea that Cabeswater had obeyed.  
  
Time passed by, as time always passes. Adam was working at the garage, like he always did. He was alone, as he always was, no matter where he ended up. Adam had gotten used to this feeling, of being utterly _alone_. It only took Cabeswater’s incessant attempts at communication, that Adam knew he wasn’t _truly_ all alone. He had trained for this; he knew how to stop these events from happening, these events Cabeswater created to get Adam’s attention. Adam was listening, he was always paying attention. _Give me more time, Cabeswater. I’ll do it soon, I promise._  
  
Relieving feelings quickly turned to fear, and worry, as the night terror came for him. Adam hadn’t seen one in so long, he forgot the person that was always responsible for these. After hearing that familiar voice, seeing that silhouette he knew, it all came back to him. He hadn’t pissed Cabeswater off, it was only Ronan. _Ronan Lynch, you fucking asshole._ Once he collected himself, the annoyance hit him. Why had Ronan showed up out of the blue like this? “Why was it with you?” he had questioned. “I was at the Barns. It followed the car,” was the response.  
  
It wasn’t a lie, but Ronan didn’t give the entire reason for this new night terror. _I was at the Barns, and I had another nightmare about you. When I woke up, I knew it would be there, but I wasn’t going to let it hurt you,_ he thought to himself. “I saw your shitbox in the lot on the way back. And I figured, anything to avoid Malory for a few more minutes,” he continued. This was not another lie, but it was a horrible excuse, and Ronan _knew_ that it was a shitty excuse as well. The _real_ reason he had stopped had nothing to do with Malory, and everything to do with Ronan’s inner feelings of _loneliness_ , of _longing_. He was having so much difficulty fighting his own mind, his own heart’s truest feelings. Ronan just wanted to _see_ Adam, was that really so bad? He wanted to at least be in Adam’s presence, every moment he could get the chance. _Keep talking, Ronan, don’t make him suspicious. Change the subject, now._  
  
Discussing Greenmantle seemed to work out, until it suddenly turned for the worst. What did _grades_ matter anymore, what was the point of _graduation?_  “Fuck that bullshit,” Ronan had muttered, loud enough for Adam to hear. Adam wasn’t having this; he knew that Ronan _knew_ what the point of it all was, at least in Adam’s case. He was growing pissed, and Ronan tried coming up with an explanation that would make sense when he said it out loud. All he could come up with was “Aglionby is kind of pointless for people like us”.  
  
_People like us?_ “What is ‘people like us’?” Adam had asked then, his annoyance and anger growing by the minute. Ronan was losing Adam’s support, and he was losing it fast. _Shit, he’s getting angrier. Try again, try to make him understand._ “You could find a way to make the ley line work for you since you’ve already bargained with it”. Adam did not appreciate this explanation, and he made sure Ronan knew it. _Maybe you can do what you want, Ronan, but someone like me? I can’t just give it all up; I don’t have the same privileges as you do. I’ve had to work so hard, and you’re just telling me to throw it all away?_ “Be a loser if you want to, but don’t make me part of it to make yourself feel better.” It was harsh, but Adam was angry.  
  
Ronan knew he had fucked everything up, but he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. _You’re right, I_ am _a loser. A loser that’s trying to make you understand that you’re_ bigger _than all of this. Aglionby_ _is so beneath you now, and you don’t seem to realize that. Well, guess I’m not the one that’s going to make you see that._ “Well, fuck you, Parrish”. That was it, that was the final end to this argument. _Don’t let him see that his words got to you. Don’t tell Adam that you feel a stronger bond with him, since we’re both connected to Cabeswater now. Don’t tell Adam how happy you are that only he and I can share this connection._ Ronan walked away, as he always did. There was no point in staying there, because he was sure Adam didn’t want to see anymore of his face that night. What Ronan didn’t know, is that Adam realized how _lonely_ it was, now that Ronan had taken off. It always occurred to Adam _after the fights that_ he _missed_ Ronan’s company.  
  
Before Ronan had retreated, gotten as far away from that garage as he could, he remembered the other reason he had stopped at the garage in the first place. He pulled out a white container from his jacket pocket, and stared at it for a moment. Ronan was always staring at Adam, learning about Adam, so he had noticed Adam constantly itching his hands. Adam’s beautiful hands, the hands Ronan wished he could touch, wished he could feel _touching him_. Before he let his thoughts dwell on that subject, he had thrown the bottle into the car, the lotion he had dreamed up as a gift for Adam. _I need a lotion that will cure Adam’s dry skin right away_ , he had requested from Cabeswater, and it had created it for him. If he gave this gift to Adam personally, after they had just fought, Adam might question him. He was sure Adam wasn’t aware of his feelings, but he still wanted to show he cared. Ronan finally left the garage, and went right back to the Barns.  
  
Adam found the bottle of lotion later on, and upon seeing Ronan’s handwriting, having seen _Manibus_ written on the bottom, guilt flooded Adam’s every being. “Why won’t you act like _this_ all the time, instead of being an asshole 24/7? God dammit, Ronan,” Adam said to himself, pressing his forehead against the bottle. _Ronan Lynch cares about me, Ronan Lynch cares about me,_ Ronan Lynch _cares about me._

_Jealousy had ruined Ronan for the first several months of Adam’s introduction into their group; this would hurt him more than that._ This brief thought made Gansey clam up, and not admit to his late night phone calls with Blue when he was caught that one night. In Gansey’s mind, Ronan would not be happy with Gansey making, and receiving, these calls. In Gansey’s mind, Ronan would tell him that he was awful for doing this to Adam. Gansey would _see_ the jealousy on Ronan’s face, and would think that Ronan felt _inadequate_ , and _not wanted,_ for the simple fact that Ronan wasn’t receiving late night phone calls. What Gansey was oblivious about, however, was that if Ronan _did_ know that Gansey was making phone calls to Blue, was receiving calls from her as well, behind Adam’s back, Ronan would be the furthest thing from upset. Ronan would just smirk, and feel a sense of arrogance, and then immediately go and actually _use_ his phone to make a late night call to Adam, though he wouldn’t tell Adam what was going on, he would just keep that a secret. It would be a secret that Ronan was _happy_ to keep, because it meant he’d know about Gansey and Blue, and use it as the reason why late night calls to Adam were justified.  

They were subtle, but there were growing similarities between Ronan and Adam, as time passed, as he and Ronan hung around each other more often. It started with facial expressions, a smirk shared between Adam and Ronan, as Ronan joked of “democracy”, a private joke between himself and Adam, a joke meant to throw shade towards Gansey’s family, a joke that Gansey wouldn’t appreciate. There were a lot of things Ronan and Adam wouldn’t tell Gansey, and that’s what led Adam and Ronan to the Barns, because Ronan _really_ wanted Adam to see what he had accomplished during all those nights he spent at his family home.

Adam took the time to admire the Lynch family home as they arrived, and couldn’t help but allow himself the thought of _himself_  growing up in a place like that, instead of the dirt and grime of the lower class. It was quickly cast aside, because Adam couldn’t deny his upbringing, the place he _did_ grow up in. Especially after seeing all of the dream things Ronan’s father had created, all of the things _Ronan_ had created from his dreams.  
  
Ronan couldn’t help glancing at Adam every now and then, and Adam took notice of this. He had figured out that Ronan had feelings for him, had been _looking_ at him way too often, and actually _seeing_ Adam. How Adam wished the others would see how Ronan looked at him, how _desirable, wantable,_ and _worthy_ Ronan made him feel to know that Ronan Lynch _hungered_ forhim. It was vanity, of course, and Adam didn’t want to be seen as a vain person. He just felt happy that there was a chance that _someone_ wanted to be with him, given his luck in that department. Then again, there was one thing, one fact that Adam knew. _I am unknowable. I might just be delusional, over-thinking this whole thing._

The office Ronan led him into made Adam consider everything yet again. It was just so _unexpected_ to see how simple the office looked, considering how _extraordinary_ the Lynch family was. The office reminded Adam of himself, which brought back that feeling of _worthiness_. Ronan was showing _him_ this intimate place, showing _him_ these things before the others could see it. Adam and Ronan would now share more secrets together.  
  
The thought of Ronan trying to wake Niall’s dream things seemed so _outrageous_ to Adam, for he was expecting something _bigger_ , knowing the kinds of things Ronan could do. “Some of us have family, Parrish”. _That’s right, you_ do _have a family, Ronan. You_ do _have family to return home to, something I no longer have._ Adam was ashamed he ever brought anything up.

“It’s not just that. It’s Matthew—“ No _, not yet. Don’t tell him yet. Don’t say it._ Don’t _say it._ Ronan remembered the day Declan told him this shocking news, about himself, about Matthew. “ _You knew this_ entire _time, you bastard! You fucking kept this from me for_ years!” Then Adam started discussing the dream things, and Ronan focused on those once more, focused on what he wanted to show Adam in the first place.  
  
“Why here? Why do you come here to do it?” “Sometimes I dream of wasps.” Hearing that phrase explained so much, to Adam. Ronan came to the Barns, _alone_ , all of this time, because he didn’t want to cause anyone else to get hurt. Adam had considered his own _lonesome_ feelings, and now here was Ronan, with the same ideal, the same feeling. Ronan, too, was _lonesome_. He had to be, he feared for the lives of others, but disregarded his own life. Adam was beginning to think that he really _didn’t_ know Ronan at all, since Adam was only thinking of his _own_ problems, his _own_ deal with Cabeswater, his _own_ future.

As Adam was ordered to observe yet another one of Ronan’s experiments, how the cow’s pulse had risen, he considered Ronan Lynch even more. Ronan really _did_ care for others; he really was so determined to wake up his father’s dreams, so much that he had submitted to being _lonesome_ for a while now _._

Then Ronan showed him the impossible, a dream manifested into reality. A literal dream of a dream, taken form and brought out of Ronan’s head. Adam watched, hoped, as Ronan tried to use this dream to wake the cow up once more. It was a failure; Ronan did not have everything he needed. _Why? What do I need?_ , Ronan mused. “Power,” Adam had suggested. _No, not that. I have plenty of power._ “I want to open the door.”

Here it was, Adam knew this was when he would get the answers he wanted. He knew it as he looked into those beautiful blue eyes of Ronan’s, saw that fire within them. “Tell me the real reason.” Ronan hesitated, but he didn’t stay quiet. _It’s now or never._ “Matthew’s mine. He’s one of mine.” Seeing the look of confusion on Adam’s face, Ronan finally broke. “I _dreamt_ him, Adam!” Adam knew then, he knew why Ronan wanted to wake his father’s dreams so badly. Ronan’s mother was a dream, brought to life by his father, who was no longer living. Matthew was a dream thing, brought to life by Ronan. Ronan had very little _actual_ living family. Ronan told Adam what Declan told him, and saying the words out loud, validating the truth, felt like a stab to Ronan’s chest. _You are so much more lonesome than I thought. I am selfish, thinking that no one else could feel the way that I feel. Yet, here you are Ronan, right in front of me, and you’re truly lonesome._

Adam allowed Ronan that moment of closeness, since Ronan deserved that. _If I can give Ronan this, then I will forgive myself. I want to help Ronan through all of this, if I can. I want to be his support, since he trusts me so much. He trusts me, so I should return the trust. Let your walls down a bit, Adam._ Ronan bringing up Greenmantle, all of a sudden, snapped Adam out of his reverie. Right, the plan to frame Greenmantle. Adam needed to get started on the research, but he had to focus on schoolwork as well. “Why me?” Adam asked Ronan, figuring Ronan was going to continue to answer his questions. “I hear if you want magic done, you ask a magician.” Adam wanted to echo the laugh Ronan had emitted before saying those words. _A magician? I am no magician. You say I can do magic, yet we’re surrounded by an entire supply of magic, magic that_ you _created, Ronan. No, it’s_ you _, you are the real magician here. Though, if you’re so set on believing in me like this, then I guess we can both be magicians._ The thought made Adam smile, for the first time since they got to the Barns. Ronan returned the smile, and they just stared at each other, before Ronan looked away, as he always did, all casual.

They had just found a strange woman in a cave, and now Adam and Ronan were forced to go shopping. It was so sudden, that when the two of them got to the store, they had no idea what to buy for Gwenllian. Some expensive personal hygiene products later, along with almost every dog joke ever made told by Ronan, and the two of them finally started talking about what they would do next, now that Gwenllian was found. “She’s not Glendower,” Ronan offered, before making a comment about Cabeswater, and asking Adam why they should bother looking for Glendower now. “I want the favor,” Adam replied, which stopped Ronan in his tracks. Ronan had thought about the favor in depth, and what _he_ would ask Glendower for. Everything he could think of to ask was selfish, but he settled on the thing he wanted most. _Please make sure everyone is safe. Please protect them from harm, even if you have to sacrifice me to make it happen._ Before, it was just _Adam_ that he wanted to protect, but Gansey was also important, and Blue was important to the both of them, so she was important to Ronan as well, so Ronan wanted them to be safe as well.

“Come on, Parrish. You still think you need that?” Ronan wondered what Adam would ask Glendower for, as a favor. Adam probably wanted to be free from Cabeswater, it made sense. Adam was struggling to stay focused, with Cabeswater trying to communicate with him. Ronan desperately wanted to beg Adam to let him help him through everything, since Cabeswater had connected the both of them, since Cabeswater listened to Ronan. Adam wouldn’t allow it, just like he wouldn’t allow any help from Gansey. _Whatever your favor is, it has nothing to do with me. You’ll be free of Cabeswater, and I’ll be stuck with it, alone. We won’t be connected anymore._

Ronan was grateful, yet pissed at the same time, once he caught sight of Piper Greenmantle. He knew who she was, because he had heard Colin talk about her, had seen Colin showing off her picture to other staff at Aglionby. _I’m going to ruin your life, Greenmantle. You, and that bitch over there._ Ronan was pleased to hear that Adam had done the research on Colin Greenmantle, since Ronan didn’t trust himself. He would’ve done something drastic, and could put himself in danger. He didn’t care about all of that, but it would piss Gansey off, and piss Adam off. Adam briefly considered how much Ronan knew about him. He had thought of himself as _unknowable_ for so long, thought he couldn’t be read, but Ronan seemed to know him better than he knew himself. What Adam didn’t consider, is the fact that Ronan _wanted_ to know him, _wanted_ to know everything about him, so much that Adam didn’t notice how much _attention_ was on him, more so than the times he’d catch Ronan watching him.

Ronan didn’t want to think about Greenmantle, Colin _or_ Piper, so he came up with the perfect alternative. He was going to race the cart, and feel the rush, the thrill of it, no matter what would happen. Of course, he had to drag Adam into it, just as he had dragged Adam into his other adventures. It worked, and Ronan felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. He was alive; he was _here_ , with Adam. He wanted to keep this up, so he felt it was time to get going on this Greenmantle plan. What he didn’t know, was what Adam was about to make him do, and what was to occur because of it.

Adam and Ronan arrived at St. Agnes, and headed into the church. Ronan made sure to stop and run some holy water over his forehead. _Please God, forgive me, for I am a sinner and I’m bringing the source of my sin into your house of worship._ Religion was the only thing Ronan felt would forgive him for being in love with another man, but he felt so much guilt because of the _extent_ of his attraction. As Ronan told him about the church, about Matthew, Adam realized that perhaps he _didn’t_ know Ronan like he thought he did. Ronan was looking at him, and Adam had been looking back.

It was time for Adam to describe the plan they were going to put into place. This was the moment Adam was regretting all this time, ever since he had done the research, ever since he realized what _had_  to be done. He’d been dreading bringing this plan to Ronan, and Ronan was about to find out why. _If there’s a God out there, please forgive me for the things that are going to happen in the next few minutes._ It was now or never, and so Adam wanted to get this over with.

“It’s mostly small things,” Adam had stated, as if that would make this plan look less gruesome. Ronan thought he was going to throw up, as he read the plan Adam had written out. _This is awful, this isn’t right. We’re talking dead children, parts of dead children. Why, why do I have to do this? Why are you going to make me do this, Adam?_ “This isn’t what Greenmantle _did_.” Adam knew Ronan would be against this, because it involved lying, as well as a ton of messy business. Adam struggled with his words, feeling ashamed, vile, disgusted with himself for trying to make this look like it wasn’t as revolting as it was.

_Are you staring at me now because you think I’m disgusting? Have you decided to abandon your feelings now, Ronan?_ Adam continued offering up reasons why they had to do this, ignoring the sick feeling he had in his stomach. _I’ll help you with this as much as I can, Ronan, so you don’t have to do this alone._ “Only once. It’s just this once.” _How can I make this better, Ronan?_ Adam pulled out his trump card, and brought up Matthew. If anything, Ronan would react to the mention of Matthew. It was a dirty trick, but it worked.

Ronan, who had been consistently troubled by the images of dead children, finally agreed to this plan. They both agreed to do this, as long as they didn’t tell Gansey. That was the trade-off, one they knew they could keep. Adam was waiting for Ronan to back out suddenly, waiting for Ronan to call him awful names, which would be completely justified, as Adam was the one that came up with this _ugly_ plan. To his surprise, Ronan was willing to go through with it, right at that moment. _If I do it now, it’ll be done. It’ll be done, and I won’t have to think about it anymore,_ Ronan thought.

“No time like the present, Parrish.” This needed to be done, and it needed to be done fast. They were a team, Adam and Ronan. They would both take responsibility for this. As part of the evidence, they needed Greenmantle’s phone. “I know what kind of phone he has.” “I need to _see_ it.” “What if I asked Cabeswater to show you his phone in the dream? I know what kind it is.” Ronan really didn’t want Adam to be a part of this, but he knew Adam would fight with him on this. What he knew, however, was that he didn’t want Adam to stay in that room with him. _Don’t stay here. I can’t put you in danger._ “Look, maybe you should go, though. To the apartment, and I’ll meet you after I’m done.” “Why?” _Damn it Adam, just leave!_ “Not everything in my head is a great thing, Parrish, believe it or not. And when I’m bringing something back from a dream, sometimes I can’t bring back only one thing.” Ronan thought of everything he had seen kill Adam in his nightmares, and he didn’t want to make those nightmares into a reality. “I’ll risk it.” _Fuck, why are you so fucking stubborn, Adam?_ “Stop watching me,” Ronan had uttered a few moments later. “Whatever. I’m going to ask Cabeswater for the phone,” Adam responded. “See you on the other side.”

_I can do this; I’ve done it many times before._ Adam concentrated on the image of the phone. _Give this to Ronan, give this to Ronan._ Ronan, not too far away, knew that he was going to bring awful things back with him. As he concentrated on the images of dead, mutilated children, he heard their screams, as if he himself was murdering them. Suddenly, the children became Adam, and Ronan was killing Adam. _No, no, no! Adam, don’t die, don’t die!_ Flashes of memories flooded Ronan’s mind, breaking his concentration. Everything that had killed Adam, was haunting Ronan once again, and Ronan was starting to break down. Adam had chosen to help him out, and Ronan had just killed him. A loud screech came from above him, and Ronan at once knew what was about to happen. Now the night terrors were coming to kill _him_. _It’s too much, I’ve asked for too much. I have to go back, I have to go back! Create another me, create another me so I can go back!_ As Cabeswater began to create a duplication of Ronan, one of the night terrors slashed at his wrists. Before it could cut him, Ronan had grabbed one of its claws, and ripped it off, spraying blood all over his hand. Then, Ronan woke up, but not before the wasps came, not before Ronan watched as his double was viciously attacked. When Ronan opened his eyes, he saw that he not only brought back the envelope full of fake evidence, but he had also brought his double back, which was in the throes of death.  
  
Adam had re-appeared just then, just as Ronan’s body double had manifested. Adam saw this double, and immediately, a huge wave of dread washed over him. _No, no, this isn’t happening._ The double was bleeding, it was making awful sounds. Adam was frozen in place, watching his friend die. “ _Ronan—_ Oh, God.” _I made him do this. This was my stupid, awful plan, and Ronan didn’t even want to do this. I’ve killed him, this is my fault. I’ve killed Ronan, I’ve killed Ronan. I did this—this was my idea—he didn’t even really want to—“_

Ronan didn’t want to watch this anymore. He listened to Adam’s grieving tone, his worry, and his panic. Adam thought he was dead, and seeing how he reacted, how Adam was grieving, afraid, about to break, Ronan was closer to his own breakdown. “Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted?” _The embodiment of all of my fears, presented here before you._ Ronan did his best to hide his agony, choosing to show his suffering through anger, as he always did.

Adam thought it couldn’t be real, but it was. Ronan was alive, and at the same time, he was dying. The double was still making horrible sounds, and Adam’s heartbeat was still racing. “Why would you dream this?” he didn’t care how he sounded, he was also angry. _Why would you do this on purpose?_ Ronan explained the circumstances, as his façade threatened to crumble with every word. Then the double finally died, and it went still, silent. Ronan approached Adam, slowly, holding the envelope full of evidence. He didn’t look at Adam, because he knew that would be the final breaking point. He could feel himself slipping still. _Not in front of Adam, not in front of Adam._

As Adam took the envelope, he wanted to throw himself at Ronan. He wanted to cry against Ronan’s chest, he wanted to hit Ronan for worrying him; he wanted to make sure Ronan was _really here_ , that he wasn’t dreaming. _Get it together, Adam._ “Did you get everything?” “It’s all there.” “Even the—“ “ _It’s all there._ ” Ronan didn’t know how much longer he would last. Adam was horrified with himself, because he would’ve called the whole thing off if he knew Ronan would end up like _that._ He was still standing, he hadn’t broken down. They had to get rid of the body. “What now? What do we do with…,” he began to say. Ronan, broken and anguished, started to quiver. It was happening, and Adam needed to go, _now. Don’t look at me Adam, don’t look at me_. “Nothing. You donothing. No, you do what I asked before. Go.” He made sure to add extra venom to the word “go”; he was doing his best to keep the façade going as long as it took for Adam to leave. He was failing at it, and it was only a matter of time before Adam would see him break down completely. “I said I didn’t want you here in case this happened, and now it has, and look at you.” Ronan had caught the look in Adam’s eyes, a look Ronan had given to Adam many times, in his nightmares. A look he gave to Adam’s dead body, as he held it to his chest, as he apologized, as he wished for Adam to return to him. The façade was almost gone now.

Adam couldn’t believe that Ronan would still be this way, after everything that had just happened. “This wasn’t my fault,” he said. He knew that Ronan knew it wasn’t his fault, though. “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said _get the hell away from me!_ “ Ronan shouted the words. Even now, as Ronan finally stared at Adam, who stared back, Ronan was hoping this would get Adam tofinally leave. “Oh, come on. What now?” Adam was irritated; he just wanted Ronan to talk this out, to let him comfort him after all of this. “Bye. That’s what,” Ronan spat out. _Fine. Be that way. See if I ever help you again._ “Whatever. Next time you can die alone.” Adam finally turned, and left Ronan there.

As soon as Adam was out of sight, Ronan finally broke completely. His whole body quivered, as he fell to his knees, crossing his arms over his chest. He bit his lip, as he began to sob. Adam’s words replayed in his head. _Next time you can die alone._ Ronan fell forward, and curled up on the floor next to his dead double. He continued to sob; he continued to give in to his true feelings. “Adam, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you leave. I almost killed you, for real this time,” he whispered out loud to himself. He was _really_ regretting sending Adam away, because Adam was the person he needed the most right then. Ronan didn’t know how long he lied there, sobbing to himself, and he wondered if Adam would come back for him. If Adam came back, Ronan knew he wouldn’t be able to control his feelings anymore. He would embrace Adam, tell him how sorry he was, tell Adam how much he loved him, and beg for forgiveness. In his mind, Adam would tell him everything was all right, he would embrace him back, he would place kisses on Ronan’s forehead, his cheek, and his lips. Adam Parrish would wipe away his tears, he would smile at Ronan, and he would tell Ronan that he loved him just as much.

The reality was much harsher, however. Ronan finally managed to pull him himself together, and stand up. Adam wasn’t coming back for him. Ronan turned and looked at the dead body behind him. He looked at his own face, with its lips parted, blood covering every inch of skin on his body. _This could’ve been Adam. This would’ve been all my fault._ Wiping his face, Ronan knelt down, grabbed the collar of his dead double’s shirt, and started dragging the body towards the church entrance. Lingering tears streamed down his cheeks as he did this, imagining it was Adam’s body he was dragging. When he finally got the body outside, and dragged it to his BMW, opening the trunk and lifting the body into it, before slamming the trunk closed, he had regained most of his composure. He got in the car, started it up, and sped away. Ronan allowed the speed to calm him, as he drove to the Barns. When he got there, he immediately went into the trunk, and dragged his double’s body out, and towards the field where he had buried a night terror some time before. He grabbed a shovel from inside of one of the nearby barns, and went to work digging a hole, and burying his double.

Meanwhile, Adam stood in the shower at his apartment, letting the hot water wash away everything that had happened only a short time beforehand. He thought of Ronan, of the dead body, of the fight they had had. Adam wanted to make sure Ronan was all right, but at the same time, would Ronan even want to see him? Adam had been the one to come up with the plan, had made Ronan dream up such awful things. His thoughts were interrupted by the knock at his door. Perfect timing, this had to have been Ronan. To his horror, he saw his own father behind the door. This had to have been fate punishing him for coming up with such a sick, twisted plan to frame someone. His father had come to punish him, and Adam was scared. Adam didn’t really hear what his father was saying; he was too lost within himself, within his fear. Cabeswater could sense his fear, and was doing its best to protect him. It worked, Cabeswater succeeded in protecting Adam, and Robert Parrish was driven away.

Adam didn’t realize he had started crying, or maybe it was rain from Cabeswater that he had wiped from his right eye and cheek. As he curled up in his bed, the scent of mist and moss invaded his senses. The lotion, Ronan’s gift to him that he never thanked him for. _Ronan. I didn’t realize how safe you make me feel. I wish you were here now, you wouldn’t have been scared. You would’ve protected me from my dad, just like how you protected me from him before. I’m sorry for what I said to you, I didn’t mean it. Please don’t hate me, Ronan. I won’t push you away anymore, I’ll do my best not to. Please, Ronan, come back. I don’t want to be alone; I need you here with me._ Adam let the tears fall from his eyes as he closed them, and Cabeswater embraced him. If Ronan had been asleep just then, Cabeswater would have brought Ronan back to Adam.

Days went by, and Adam met up with Ronan again. They didn’t talk about what happened at the church, and instead focused on getting the evidence to Greenmantle. “We should get Mr. Gray in on this, he has more experience with this type of thing,” Adam had stated abruptly. Ronan considered this, and realized that getting the Gray Man as an accomplice was the best option yet. So they had found themselves at the Gray Man’s place, and Adam described the plan to him. Thankfully, the Gray Man agreed, and even took most of the weight off of their shoulders, by stating that he would be the one to do the worst part. He had praised them for what they had done, for coming up with this plan, and the Gray Man made sure to remind them that their part in the plan was over with, and they just had to get the evidence to Greenmantle. Ronan and Adam went over to the Gray Man’s place a few times, to discuss the plan in more details, including talking about using the cave as an option for body disposal.

Adam and Ronan went back to focusing on getting through the rest of the school year then, now that the plan was solid, and everything else was going fine. After their run-in with Cheng, Adam and Ronan were left waiting for Gansey, making idle chat with Cheng, hoping Gansey would return quickly. The sounds of the workers fixing the roof almost drowned out their voices. Suddenly, Adam could sense something was wrong. He heard the slate tiles slipping, and he looked up just in time to watch them begin to fall, heading right for him. Immediately, his mind went into defense mode. _Cabeswater, give me protection. Protect the area around me, so I don’t get hurt._ The tiles crashed over him, around him, sending dust everywhere. Adam heard his name being called out; it was Cheng and Ronan’s voices. Adam wasn’t harmed, the tiles hadn’t touched him. He couldn’t believe it, it had _actually_ worked. “You marvelous creature.” This was Gansey talking. “I told you! Magician.” This was Ronan talking. Adam felt embarrassed then, but proud of himself at the same time. He had finally learned how to work with Cabeswater properly.

With newfound confidence, and determination, Adam headed out to finally complete the tasks Cabeswater wanted him to do. He was focused on completing these tasks, so he wasn’t in the mood to listen to Blue’s ranting. Naturally, it turned into a fight, but this time, it was settled thanks to Noah. As Blue turned on the radio, Adam was greeted with an unpleasantly pleasant surprise. The Murder Squash song started to play, and he immediately wanted it to stop playing. As Noah laughed, and showed Adam the tape, Adam read Ronan’s handwriting on both sides. He didn’t know when Ronan had snuck this tape into the car, but he figured it must’ve been on the “A Shitbox Sing-Along” side. He took a mental note to listen to the “Parrish’s Hondayota Alone Time” side later on, when Blue and Noah weren’t in the car. Adam felt guiltier about fighting with Blue then, and he made sure to also make a mental note to thank Ronan later on. _You really are the best, Ronan, even when you’re being the worst._

The day Persephone was found dead in the attic at 300 Fox Way, every good thing Adam was feeling was immediately shattered, and replaced with agony yet again. This was the third dead body he had seen, and it was reminding him of the second body he had seen. _Someone else died because of me. Persephone died because I wasn’t doing what Cabeswater was asking me to do, I was too focused on other things. I am truly an ugly person._ When he had called Ronan, getting irritated every time the voicemail picked up, and then silently pleading that Ronan would pick up already, he tried to keep his composure as he heard Ronan answer. “I need you to come to 300 Fox Way. Go find Gansey, and come here. It’s really bad, I need you here.”

Ronan sat on the porch with Adam, and seeing Ronan there reminded Adam of Ronan’s dead body at the church. “I don’t want to talk,” he said softly, because he didn’t want to mention that day in the church. “The fuck would I talk about?” Ronan had replied. They both knew what they would talk about. They would talk about that day in the church, they would talk about how there was another death, so soon. They would both blurt out apologies, and beg each other for forgiveness. Above all else, they would tell each other how they felt, how much they _needed_ each other.

They sat in silence, both of their thoughts in sync yet again. If they continued like this, Cabeswater would intervene. “Let’s get out of here, Parrish. I think it’s time to go visit that bastard,” Ronan blurted out suddenly. Adam knew what he meant, and just nodded. Then, they were both on their way to Greenmantle’s place, their agony written all over their faces, and in their eyes as they stole glances at each other.

Adam and Ronan focused on making Greenmantle uncomfortable, on making him feel un-nerved. Even through their agony, even through everything they had been through, they made sure to remain calm, and focused. They were one being, with the same goals, the same connection. “If you’re not out of Henrietta by Friday, everything in that envelope comes true.” They left the envelope there, and by doing so, they left all of the pain caused by its contents, all of the agony they both felt while putting the plan into place. Their part was now officially over and done with. As they walked back to the BMW, Adam placed an arm around Ronan’s shoulders. Ronan immediately tensed up from the sudden action, as casual as it was. Thoughts began to race through his head, but Adam must have sensed this, as he dropped his arm shortly afterwards. The two of them looked at each other, and held their gazes for a few moments. They spoke silent words, words they didn’t have the courage to say out loud. They were connected, bound by Cabeswater, two magicians who made impossible things happen. With that gaze, they realized just how much, how long, they had _needed_ to be together, to do all of these impossible things, _together._

_Qui facit per alium facit per se._

_He who does a thing by the agency of another does it himself._


End file.
